From Michael Bennett to Agnes De Mille

Bob Fosse teaching choreography to his dancers, from the PBS special about him

As a dancer, I study choreographers and their work extensively, from Michael Bennett's A Chorus Line to Agnes De Mille's Oklahoma! However, Bob Fosse is my favorite choreographer to study; from Chicago to Pajama Game, his choreography is unlike any I've ever been exposed too. Bennett used pictures; Fosse used isolations.

Michael Bennett working with his performers in A Chorus Line, from article on nj.com, 1975

I just find them fascinating, the way they can create something that lasts a lifetime.

The Golden Age of Hollywood

I'm not a major movie buff; I like certain films from the last decade or two, but not many. However, I love Old Hollywood movies from about the 1930s to the 1960s. That just seems like the glamorous period, when Hollywood films were good, and when the actors were good. In fact, the majority of my favorite actors are from the Golden Age of Hollywood.

First and foremost:

The absolutely gorgeous Lauren Bacall. My namesake and one of my favorite actresses; she's one of the last of the greats from this era left.

Bogart and Bacall, a still from The Big Sleep, 1946

This is my favorite photo of Natalie Wood (1938-1981). I always thought it'd be neat to portray her as a Chautauquan.

The beautiful half of Fred and Ginger- Ginger Rogers (1911- 1995)

The famous Fred and Ginger. The ruffles on both skirt and sleeves are ridiculous. Remember, Ginger did everything Fred did, only backwards and in high heels.

The recently departed Elizabeth Taylor (1932 - 2011)

The Original TV witch: Elizabeth Montegomery (1933- 1995)

Before Marilyn Monroe, there was Clara Bow, the original It Girl of the 1920s (1905 - 1965). I portrayed her my.... second or third year in Chautauqua. I still get flack for that portrayal.

Breakfast at Tiffany's is one of my favorite films. I've seen several of Audrey Hepburn's (1929 - 1993) movies and I love most of the ones I've seen.

I'm not a major fan of Marilyn Monroe (1926 - 1962), but I did like Some Like It Hot.

Grace Kelly (1929 - 1982), Princess of Monaco, before she married Rainier.

 Sidney Poitier, one of the best African American actors of all time.

The King, Yul Brynner (1920 - 1985). I'd dance with him any day.

The King and I's Anna Leonowens, Deborah Kerr (1921 - 2007)

The famous 'Shall We Dance?' still from The King and I (1956)

There are several more actors and actresses that I like from Hollywood's Golden Age, but the list is long and would take more willpower than I have right now to upload. These are just a few of the actors and actresses I like.

Most of them have truly classic beauty, don't they? If only we were all so lucky....

Brownies and Leg Warmers and Coffee, Oh My!

There's something to be said about sharing dessert with friends. Gossiping with coffee and a brownie between you can bring about the best conversations, and even create some of your closest friends. I know from experience. I seem to make most of my closest friends over hot, steaming, flavored coffee and brownies. A few thousand calories are worth the building of a friendship between classes on a busy day.

But then again, similar interests are also a good thing. The majority of my friends are dancers; we bond over our love of performing onstage, our mutual hate of aching muscles and pulled ligaments and our love of hot caffinated beverages.

Most people I've met don't think that there's such a thing as a cliche in the performing arts. There is. You can usually tell who the dancers are by the way they dress and what they carry:

- Usually some form of dance or gym bag
- Most are seen in "street clothes" with some sort of added accessory- ie. arm/leg warmers
- They carry bottles of water everywhere
- When they change into dance clothes, they wear either leggings, dance pants, tights and athletic shorts, tank tops, ripped sweaters, or old t-shirts
- Dancers are usually seen wearing their dance shoes and carrying their "street" ones
- They usually have their hair pulled back in a ponytail or bun held together by bobby pins or clips
- Leg warmers are 99.9% of the time a part of the ensemble

From my personal experience, the majority of the time, dancers stick together, sitting in front of the dance studio warming up or talking or gathered together at the most random places- cafeteria tables, library bookshelves, or water fountains. We spend our time chatting about our days or bitching about the muscle we've pulled from the previous class.

We share our makeup and split our brownies; run over each others' sentences and trade leg warmers. We exchange information on where to get the best leggings for a great price and do each others' hair as we chat about the schools we're applying too or what we're doing for the next recital.

We all have similarities in our lives; have danced from the time we were children or fallen into it by mistake. We choose our degrees by the best income, and then pick classes that are on such an opposite extreme that it's almost planned.

But the main thing we do is stay loyal to our friends; as dancers, we live by an unspoken code:

Respect the choreographer.
Respect the performers.
Respect yourself.

Rejection

Being rejected comes with the territory of being a dancer. No matter how good you are, you will get rejected at some point in your career. I'm used to rejection; it's going to be part of my career as I move onto professional performing, and I'm fine with it. I can get used to it; I've developed a pretty thick skin when it comes to my career.

But what I haven't developed a thick skin around is my heart.

I build walls.

I build tall, strong brick walls around my heart to keep people at bay for the simple fact that I'm terrified of getting hurt again. I've gotten hurt once before and it nearly destroyed me. I told myself that I would never put myself in a vulnerable position like that again. And I've kept to it.

Whenever I seem to be getting too close to someone, I back off and keep them at a safe distance so I won't hurt them and so they won't hurt me. It's just easier that way. But it's also a problem. I've ruined many relationships and friendships that way.

It's just easier.

But then again, it's also a curse.

Memories.... from a former life

 There's a common joke that states if you know how to do something or identify with something really well, then you must have been or lived that way in a past life. This theme is often explored in films and books- The Mummy Returns, episodes of Charmed, The Haunting of Hill House, to name a few- but rarely is it discussed openly in real life.

My grandmother says that when she was a little girl, she must have been a little Dutch girl in a past life, because she found that culture fascinating. I've never been one for reincarnation, but I do have to agree with her- to some extent.

I've always identified with the "Bohemian lifestyle"- easy-going, carefree, artistic- yet I've also identified with the life of a dancer- hard-working, exhausting, pushing oneself to extremes- that I'm starting to think that maybe I was a Bohemian in another life, or even a ballerina in the French Corps de Ballet in the 1800s. I've always had a fascination with Paris; it's one of the places I would love to visit or even live, and I literally delight in reading works by writers like Daphne du Maurier, looking at paintings by Edgar Degas or studying the Lost Generation of artists.

I guess you could say, that as I've gotten older, I've taken a cue from those who live a life of Bohemia- Du Maurier, the dancers Degas painted, the gypsies. It just seems like such a wonderful way to spend your life, that I can't help being attracted to it.

When I got into college, I cut my hair short- going from long chocolate curls just below my shoulderblades, to short strands of chocolate just below my ears, where my jawbones meet my ears. I wear it in a straight, chocolate bob, the kind reminescent of the Roaring Twenties.

Around that same time, I discovered a newfound love of bangles and have by this time- three years past- have built up quite a collection of the jangling jewelry ranging in colors from green to gold and style from metal to beads to wood. On an off day, I'll wear a set of one kind; on an on day, I'll wear up to three sets, sometimes four- more for the sheer delight in the noise they make as they bump against each other on my wrists than for how good they look.

My primary colors are black and forest green with hints of blue- more for my love of Wicked than anything else, but I've also found that I just like the way the three colors look on me. I hate yellows on me, and wouldn't even dare think of trying orange with my skin tone- believe me, I've tried, and I will never do it again.

I'm starting to think that maybe my skills at writing, dance and arts of the like have something to do with a possible former life. The majority of my friends like to joke that I live in a Bohemian way of thinking; and maybe they're right. I seem to be more left-brained than right. Things like math and science confuse me, and while I like learning about thinks like anatomy and phsyology, I can't make my brain work long enough to where I actually get a thorough understanding.

Dance is something I get easily, and I delight in learning new choreography. I also enjoy writing; though I suffer from serious bouts of writer's block, I ultimately am able to write something worth reading- such as the novel I'm working on.

I have a sick fascination with toe shoes and tattoos, and I'm willing to get both- though the former more than the latter. I also delight in reading the classics like Jane Eyre and Anna Karenina. History as well excites me, but in an entirely different way.

I actually find it disgusting that I can recite an obcene amount of facts about certain things in history at the most random of times. Not only is it disgusting; it's downright annoying.

I don't know, maybe I was forced to live a life in the arts over and over until I can get whatever I'm supposed to get right. I'm not entirely sure, it's just a guess; I'm just saying.

If so, then that makes these memories from a former life a hell of a lot more interesting.

Fairytales and Hokum

I've always found that the best fairytales are the originals- the ones collected by the Grimm Brothers, as well as those by Hans Christian Anderson, Lewis Carroll, L. Frank Baum and J. M. Barrie, to name a few. Not that I don't like the Disney versions.... but there's something exciting about reading the original fairytales. Maybe it's the darkness that surrounds the stories, or the original hidden meanings:

- The original Red Riding Hood held a subliminal message about rape- citing the wolf as the rapist in short terms

- In the original Cinderella, the one of the stepsisters cuts off her big toe and the other cuts off a heel in order to fit into the slipper. In the end, after Cinderella tries it on and wins the Prince's heart, the stepsisters' eyes are pecked out by doves

- Rumplestiltskin, in the original, rips himself in half after the princess figures out his name

- Snow White, in the original, choked on the apple and it knocked her unconsious. The only way she survived, was because the Prince's horse jumped over a fallen log as they were leaving the forest, jolting her and sending the apple flying from her mouth in a weird sort of hymplic manuever. In the end, when the Wicked Queen met the Prince's bride and realized it was Snow White, she was placed in a pair of red-hot iron shoes and forced to dance until she died.

- The prince in the original Rapunzel threw himself out of the tower after the Queen told him that she had "gotten rid of Rapunzel". Surviving the fall, he became blind due to the thorns he'd fallen on. In the end, he wandered the countryside, eventually coming upon Rapunzel, who's tears brought back his sight.

- In Hans Christian Anderson's original Little Mermaid, the mermaid princess gives her voice to the sea-witch in order to have legs. The downside is that when she dances, it is as if she is dancing on knives. In the end, she doesn't end up with the prince, and therefore dies, going to heaven

I'm all for the Disney films getting children interested in classic literature, but when when it comes to which copy I'd rather be reading, I'll take the original "horror" over "happy."

But that's just me.

The Dance of Languages and Accents

Someone told me once that I was gifted with languages. I think what they meant was that I was gifted with accents.

Normally, if someone has an accent, I can pick it up after hearing only a few words. Which is strange, considering that I've never had much interest in accents or languages for that matter, at least not until I got into high school.

One of the things that sparked my interest with accents and different languages, deas with Europe. I'm half European, half Mexican, and I've always found certain countries to have fascinating history- look at Russia and it's history of Tsars. But I love English history the most. It could be because my grandmother's ancestry dates back to the puritans and pilgrims coming over from Europe. It could also be because I've grown up reading books and watching movies on English history. I have an unhealthy addiction to The History Channel and National Geographic documentaries.

Another spark that lit the flame of my interest are British actors. But only certain ones- Colin Firth, Alan Rickman, Rachel Weisz, to name a few. I'm highly entertained and amused by Britsh comedies, and I'm a fan of certain films- like The Wings of the Dove or Pride and Prejudice.

I know, I know, why the hell should I care? What's language to do with dance?

Well, actually, it has a lot to do with dance. While most countries are limited by their ability to communicate with each other through vocals and understand the other, the possibilites are unlimited when it comes to dance. The way you move, how you perform, can speak volumes to someone who doesn't understand the language.

As far as I'm concerned, languages and accents are a dance. The way you speak, how you pronounce certain words, how thick your accent is, can be as lyrical as dancing Pointe to the theme from Swan Lake. To sum it up-

Dance and language are one in the same.

They can be both beautiful, and heartbreaking.

It's Just a Book. No Harm Ever Came from... Reading a Book

When I'm not dancing, I spend the majority of my time reading- either reading or writing. Especially since I now work at a second hand bookstore. Not only that, I'm also working on my first novel- well, the first novel I've been able to write in four months.

Most of the people in my writer's group have been writing longer than I and, compared to them, I'm the baby of the group- in age and in writing skills. However, I do seem to be having a better time with this new novel I'm working on. This one seems to be going better than any of the other novels I've tried writing.

This current novel I'm working on is as of now, untitled (well, I guess the temporary title is Civil War Novel) and seems to be going quite well as far as the plot. Considering that this is the first solid thing I've been able to write after four months of writer's block, I'm hoping that this will turn out well.

I don't write outlines, because outlines drive me crazy. However, I do write notes, and snippets that I think could belong in a novel. If I do write an outline, it's usually in the form of a family tree, if I have a good idea of who I want the characters to be- like in this novel.

I'm usually doing one of two major things- dancing or writing. I love both, and it irks me when people tell me how "nice" it is that I'm getting a musical theater degree, or that it's awful "nice" that I'm writing a novel. They treat it like its some sort of rare disease that they'll catch if they get too close.

Well, not to steal from The Mummy or anything but,

It's just a book. No harm ever came from reading a book.

Get over it people.

Not Cut Out For This

You know when something feels so right- so undeniably, unbelievably right- that you feel incomplete not doing that thing?

That's how I feel about dance.

I love it. I love dance, and vocal, and acting.... I love all of it. Performing.... every little thing about it. I can't imagine myself doing anything else. But now... now I'm not so sure. I've questioned myself my entire life- from the way I act to how I speak to the way I walk... so this shouldn't be any different. Except it is.

This is my life we're talking about.

I've had these..... nagging feelings for the last couple years, but I've never had the guts to actually voice them. I... I'm starting to think that maybe... maybe I'm not cut out for this. That maybe I'm not cut out to be a dancer or a performer. Maybe I'm not meant to perform on Broadway like I've always dreamed I would.

I don't know... maybe I'm not "meant for greatness." Maybe I'm just meant to be ordinary like everyone else. Working at a dead-end job, living in a crummy apartment, surviving hand to mouth for the rest of my life until I die, what if that's what's my future holds? If it is, then I'd better hurry and change my major before it's too late.

The thing is, I grew up in the theater. I remember going to Broadway touring shows from the time I was about six or seven, and I always.... felt.... that I belonged on that stage. I idolize actors like Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel, Ethel Merman and Jerry Orbach; choreographers like Michael Bennet and Bob Fosse. If they can make it, so can I, or so I thought.

Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm being paranoid, but....

But what if I'm right?

What if I'm not cut out for this?

What if I need to get out now, while I still can?

What if I'm in the wrong career?

And what happens if I get out of it, and then realize that I made the wrong choice?

If I did then... I guess I deserve the heartbreak.